You Harvardites crack me up. The following is an email reply to a rejection letter sent by friend Wei-jen.

---Original Message---
From: Resume
Sent: Wednesday, March 15, 2006 4:21pm
To: wjyuan@fas.harvard.edu
Subject: Trade Associate Follow-up

Thank you for your interest in the Trade Associate opportunity with Company X. Unfortunately, we are unable to extend an interview to you at this time, but we will keep your resume on file for future consideration. Best of luck in your career endeavors.
*********************************************

Dear Company X,

Thank you for your extremely prompt reply. I will, however, politely decline your decision to deny me an interview, as this best suits my career path at this moment. Additionally, I have a question about your policy for future consideration: I find it hard to believe that a firm as prestigious and as well known as yours would reconsider an applicant that you've already previously denied. Does Company X actually reconsider applicants in the future or is this just a cheap tagline that you use to soften the life-shattering reality of an interview decline? As you may know, mastering the art of interviewing is a developmental and incremental process that I look forward to. Not only do I enjoy meeting new company recruiters, but I also enjoy practicing my interviewing skills. Thus, to me, the joys of interviewing are as pleasurable as a wet fart. I would love to better understand the rather superficial cordial exchanges in the business world, such as those in your email, as I am only an outside observer of the finance world with non-applicable and non-demanded musical skills; so as to better acquaint myself with the colloquialism of the business world in the near future. Thank you for your time and consideration and I look forward to hearing back from you!

Best,

Wei-Jen Yuan

- It would be difficult for me to be any more miserable right now, I feel like the worst person ever. First, let me start by saying that I am trulytruly sorry, and I hate myself for hurting you. Of all the people in the whole entire world, you were honestly the last person that I would ever want to wrong in any way. There is no excuse at all for anything that happened, so I won't even try other than to say all of us had WAY too much to drink, and I did a stupid thing. I can handle you being pissed at me, I absolutely deserve it, I can even handle the ugly words that were exchanged between us, what I can't handle is thinking that you see me as a different person.- It is weird, I feel like I just went through a horrible break up or something. The world looked funny yesterday, I couldn't crack a smile if you paid me, there are songs I can't listen to, and I just feel beyond crushed. I don't know if you meant everything you said to me, and I am hoping that you didn't. I know that I was wrong on many levels, but I am also hoping that this is something that we can deal with. I know it sounds totally crazy and stupid, but you have come to play such a significant role in my life, I can't imagine my days without you.- It is totally strange and weird to say that, and you could say that my behavior didn't reflect that, and you would be correct. I hate feeling like you hate me, and I hate feeling like all of your friends think I am a terrible person, because I am not. I know there is nothing I can say or do to take back what happened, but I just want you to know that fighting with you was just about the worst thing I could have ever imagined. It was right up there with one of the ugliest nights of my life, and I would give anything in the world to rewind and fix it. I am not sure if you will respond to this, part of me thinks that you won't. If not today, then maybe some other time.- Also, thanks for getting my stuff together, although I think my sunglasses are still at your house, if you could keep your eyes peeled for them that would be great. I can't even focus or work today, I can't eat, I seriously feel like it was an ugly break up, and I am hoping against hopes that it was not that and you are not done with me. Please don't cut me off, I really don't think I can handle that. I am so sorry.

I quit poker. For a long time. The ups and downs are too much on my emotional system. I feel like a war-of-attrition-torn embittered soldier emerging from the groggy bomb-ridden trenches, having barely survived off a hard-boiled egg on top of salt-covered spam for three days. And pocket aces? Fuck that hand.

On a funnier note, I came across the funniest break-up note today I've ever read. Thanks Vicky for the plug.

Brad,

- It would be difficult for me to be any more miserable right now, I feel like the worst person ever. First, let me start by saying that I am trulytruly sorry, and I hate myself for hurting you. Of all the people in the whole entire world, you were honestly the last person that I would ever want to wrong in any way. There is no excuse at all for anything that happened, so I won't even try other than to say all of us had WAY too much to drink, and I did a stupid thing. I can handle you being pissed at me, I absolutely deserve it, I can even handle the ugly words that were exchanged between us, what I can't handle is thinking that you see me as a different person.
- It is weird, I feel like I just went through a horrible break up or something. The world looked funny yesterday, I couldn't crack a smile if you paid me, there are songs I can't listen to, and I just feel beyond crushed. I don't know if you meant everything you said to me, and I am hoping that you didn't. I know that I was wrong on many levels, but I am also hoping that this is something that we can deal with. I know it sounds totally crazy and stupid, but you have come to play such a significant role in my life, I can't imagine my days without you.
- It is totally strange and weird to say that, and you could say that my behavior didn't reflect that, and you would be correct. I hate feeling like you hate me, and I hate feeling like all of your friends think I am a terrible person, because I am not. I know there is nothing I can say or do to take back what happened, but I just want you to know that fighting with you was just about the worst thing I could have ever imagined. It was right up there with one of the ugliest nights of my life, and I would give anything in the world to rewind and fix it. I am not sure if you will respond to this, part of me thinks that you won't. If not today, then maybe some other time.
- Also, thanks for getting my stuff together, although I think my sunglasses are still at your house, if you could keep your eyes peeled for them that would be great. I can't even focus or work today, I can't eat, I seriously feel like it was an ugly break up, and I am hoping against hopes that it was not that and you are not done with me. Please don't cut me off, I really don't think I can handle that. I am so sorry.

-Elizabeth

RESPONSE

Dear Elizabeth,
- Thank you for your concern. I'll be sure to file it away under "L" for "Long-winded diatribes from drunken whores I couldn't care less about".You did a stupid thing huh? No...doing long division and forgetting to carry the one is "a stupid thing"; Mixing in a red sock with a load of whites is "a stupid thing"; Blowing some guy in a bathroom for 45 minutes while I sit at the bar wondering if you're taking so long because you ate too much bran that morning isn't as much a "stupid thing" as it is grounds for permanent removal from my social calendar.
- To be honest, I'm not sure if it was more amusing that you went and degraded yourself in a public toilet not once but twice in a 2 hour span, or that you seemed to think that by saying "Well, I didn't F**k him" somehow gave you a clean slate. So forgive me if I couldn't care less if the world "looked funny" to you yesterday. Since your world revolves around blow dryers, golden retrievers, Prada Bags and Jelly Beans, I'm sure it must have been most unsettling to actually have to consider someone else's feelings for 24 hours straight. The good news for you is that my friends don't think you're a terrible person, they just think you're the average run of the mill cum-guzzling blond who commands about as much respect as your average child porn collector. I could be wrong but, it's pretty hard to respect some B&T chick who comes out to spend the night at my place even though she'sseeing someone else in New jersey and winds up tongue-bathing the taint ofanyone who decides 30 minutes of droning commentary on Colin Farrell's new haircut is worth putting up with for a hand jobin the men's room. The good thing about being a guy is that when I eventually bump into the young lad who finger-blasted you on top of a towel dispenser last saturday, we'll have a shot and laugh our heads off about the time it happened.
- By the way, for the amount of time you claim to spend in spin class you really must be doing something wrong to sport the thunder thighs you do. Watching you parade around my bedroom in a thong was a little like watching sea lions mate. Thought you might like to know.

PS. I forwarded about 100 people on this email.

Talk to you never,
Brad

In South Carolina now - the wealthy haven of alligator-infested golf courses, where the definition of 'diversity' is limited to bragging about a community that includes a Jew and a Bulgarian lesbian, both of whom are treated like the 3-legged lepers from the un-cool sorority.

I know I haven't been up to date with my blogging, and to those of you who have no idea what's going on in my life, I apologize. Nothing much has changed, though my ridiculous obsession with karaoke has been passionately replaced by the game of poker - yes, I am already an official member of the All-In poker club, the shady 1-2 tables down on 38th St. Rekhanize.

I seem to have faint recollections about a million subjects I wanted to write about but unfortunately, none of them come to mind. I'll update later.